Feels&Flutters

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  • Beyond the Culture of Silence: The Healing Power of Shared Experiences

    Hello! Amaka here again 👋🏾. Today, I want to talk about something that’s been sitting on my heart for a while.

    “A problem shared is a problem half solved.”

    As a child, I heard this often—usually from an adult trying to coax me into revealing what was clearly bothering me. But despite how often I heard it, I didn’t truly believe it. At the time, I had no evidence that it actually worked.

    So I developed a habit of internalizing my struggles. I’d bury problems deep and hope that, with time, they’d quietly disappear. In truth, I wasn’t alone in this.

    In many Nigerian homes, vulnerability wasn’t the default posture. There was an unspoken expectation to present strength—even when you were crumbling inside. People mostly shared their wins: perfect grades, flawless careers, thriving relationships.

    I remember hearing stories of how our parents were always top of their class. So when I struggled in a subject, I didn’t feel safe admitting it. I thought something was wrong with me. Why couldn’t I be effortlessly excellent too?

    For more than 25 years, I coped with pain and disappointment by going inward—alone.

    What Changed?

    With the rise of blogs, podcasts, and vlogs, I began to encounter people who didn’t pretend. People who shared their failures, doubts, missteps, and insecurities.

    And guess what? They were so much more relatable than those who seemed to live perfect lives. Their stories gave me the courage to start opening up.

    When I began sharing my own goals, frustrations, and fears with trusted people, I realized two critical truths:

    • Sharing with the wrong people can be damaging. Some folks may not handle your vulnerability with care. They may diminish your experience, dismiss your feelings, or even use your openness against you.
    • Sharing with the right people can be transformative. The right listener can catapult you into peace. They can offer wisdom, perspective, encouragement—or just a safe space to be human.

    The Unexpected Benefits of Sharing

    When done with the right people, sharing can:

    • Help you learn from others’ experiences
    • Prevent unnecessary mistakes
    • Increase clarity and focus
    • Lighten emotional loads
    • Strengthen your support network

    So Should We Share Everything with Everyone?

    Absolutely not. That’s where discernment and community come in.

    If possible, identify someone who has done what you’re trying to do—or someone who’s overcome what you’re currently battling. This could be a mentor, a friend, a colleague, or even a podcast host you deeply resonate with.

    But remember: people’s personal experiences will always color their advice. So take what serves you and adapt it to your own values and context.

    In the professional world, this might look like joining an empowerment network or mastermind group. In your personal life, it might mean cultivating emotionally safe relationships where vulnerability isn’t punished but protected.

    Whether your goals involve fitness, parenting, marriage, financial growth, or healing from past trauma, the right relationships can make all the difference.

    And if no one comes to mind right now, that’s okay too. Consider working with a life coach, therapist, or mentor. Sometimes, having a neutral sounding board is the best gift you can give yourself.

    Flip the Script: Be That Person

    Are you in a position to be that person for someone else?

    • Check in on your people
    • Offer a listening ear without judgment
    • Start a small community of like-minded folks at different stages of growth

    Support doesn’t always require expertise—just presence.

    In Summary

    Choosing to share your goals and struggles with the right people could be the difference between growth and stagnation, clarity and confusion—or even peace and burnout.

    Do you have a tribe to hold you up, or are you walking this path alone?

    Let’s talk about it—right here in the comments 👇🏾

  • The Silent Grief of Lost Friendships

    The Silent Grief of Lost Friendships

    A few years ago, I was entangled in a friendship. It felt eerily familiar—like one I should’ve outgrown in my teens. The friendship itself didn’t startle me the most. It was realizing that I hadn’t emotionally evolved as I thought I had, hence this post. We focus so much on romantic breakups—the sobbing, the storytelling, the facade. We expect heartbreak in love, and we allow space for its grief. But when a friendship ends, the silence is jarring. There’s no script, no ceremony, just an ache that lingers. We are left to dissect the silence. We second-guess our worth. We replay moments and ask ourselves a question that rarely gets answered: What happened?

    Friendships aren’t just anything. They are relationships we choose without the biological bonds of family or the cultural scripts of romance. Our friends are selected based on genuine connection, shared values, and mutual affection. When these bonds break, it feels like a rejection of our most authentic selves.

    Why Friendships End

    I will tell you why mine ended – conditional support, validation had to be crowd sourced. They preferred I was someone else, and the list goes on. The cracks were subtle at first, but widened with every compromise I made to stay connected.

    Here are some other common reasons why friendships unravel:

    1. Growing apart: We can blame evolution for this one. The friend who was your perfect match at 19 feels like a stranger at 30. For many, this is human growth and the natural trajectory of life.
    2. Unmet Expectations: Let’s be honest- we all have expectations of our friendships. When these expectations are not met or communicated, resentment builds.
    3. Major Life Changes: My parents used to say, “Ten friends who play together do not grow together.” Adulthood is a game-changer. Marriage, parenthood, career shifts—these milestones demand time and energy. And often, they force friendships to stretch or snap.
    4. Betrayal- Need I say more…..? Some friendships end with a bang not a fade. These are the hardest ones to forgive or forget.
    5. Burnout- Healthy friendships need reciprocity, and when there is a consistent imbalance, exhaustion sets in- a feeling of suffocation.

    Different Types of friendship endings

    1. Slow fade – definitely the most common. Shorter text messages, fewer calls, little to no invitations. This type is devoid of drama, leaving you wondering if the friendship is over or just on pause.
    2. The Explosive End – …Not “cutesy”…! These friendships end with arguments, harsh words, and sometimes firm boundaries. While painful, this type provides closure and clarity on where you stand.
    3. The One-sided Conclusion- One person decides the friendship is over while the other party is still invested, AKA “Ghosting.” The invested party is left wondering what they did wrong. You don’t see it coming.
    4. The mutual Fade: Both parties recognize the friendship has run its course and naturally let it go. In a perfect world, wouldn’t we all want a mutual fade.

    Processing the pain

    Breakups will always be painful. Nonetheless, the way you break up or were broken up with makes a world of difference.

    1. Acknowledge the Loss: Your feelings are valid; do not minimize them. The end of a friendship is a real loss that deserves recognition and processing time. Let yourself experience your emotions without judgment.
    2. Reflect Without Ruminating: This is easier said than done. Think about what happened and what you can learn. Don’t get stuck in endless analysis, some friendships end for reasons beyond our control.
    3. Resist the Urge to Vilify: This is tempting, but it rarely reflects reality and can prevent genuine healing.

    Moving Forward

    Healing takes time, but there are ways to support yourself through the process:

    1. Remember the Good Times: If we are being honest, it wasn’t all bad. Cherish the positive memories and the ways this person contributed to your growth.
    2. Learn the Lessons: What patterns did you notice at the end of your friendship? Are there communication skills you can develop or boundaries you need to set?
    3. Invest in other relationships- Deepen meaningful connections with other friends or make new ones. Don’t let one ending make you cynical about friendship in general.
    4. Practice Self-Compassion- Friendship breakups often trigger intense self-criticism. Treat yourself with the same kindness that you would show a friend going through the same experience.

    Silver Lining

    While friendship breakups are painful, they can be transformative. They teach us about our values, communication style, and resilience. Most importantly, appreciate the friends who stick around and show us what we truly need in our relationships.

    Friendship , like all forms of love, involves risk. The possibility of love is the price we pay for the possibility of deep connection. The key is learning to hold our friendships lightly enough to let go when necessary. At the same time, we must hold them tightly enough to love fully while they last.

    I will leave you with this: “Make new friends and keep the old. One is silver and the other is gold.” Drummed into my ears throughout my childhood, thanks to my beautiful mother.

    Have you experienced a friendship breakup? How did it end? How did you navigate the healing process? Please share your thoughts and experiences below.

    With quiet courage, from my heart to this page,

    – Ekeoma.

  • From Intentions to Growth

    Small steps. Honest reflection. Real growth.

    Hi there! My name is Amaka. I’m a sensitive soul who deeply values relationships. I love peace and calm—think: reading a good book on a quiet beach. I enjoy learning new things and solving technical or analytical problems. I’m also a certified over-thinker (working on the recovery part!). I’m so glad my dear friend Ekeoma invited me to contribute to this space.

    Every year, I write down goals. And every year, many of them remain unchecked by December.

    At the start of this year, I decided to shift my focus—to prioritize growth. I identified a few key areas of my life where I wanted to grow, and now, entering the second quarter of the year, I’ve been reflecting:

    What has worked? What hasn’t? And what do I still need to begin?

    My Approach (So Far)

    As a recovering over-thinker, I knew I had to break things down into manageable pieces. Here’s what I’ve tried:

    1. Set clear, measurable goals.
    This came naturally to me—I’m the queen of planning! One example: I committed to investing $XX every month. Simple and measurable.

    2. Set up my environment for success.
    I tried to remove temptations, like unhealthy snacks from the house. I say tried because, well… the best-laid plans don’t always pan out.

    3. Create accountability systems.
    I tracked food and exercise using apps. Helpful, but not nearly as powerful as having an actual person check in and challenge me.

    4. Minimize friction.
    I automated what I could—like setting up a direct deposit to my investment account—so that growth didn’t rely on daily willpower.

    5. Stay consistent.
    This has been the hardest part, especially when it comes to becoming a healthier version of myself.

    What I’ve Learned

    I’ve made solid progress in external areas like finances and personal development through learning. But when it comes to changing long-standing habits, it’s been more of a struggle.

    One thing I’d like to fully commit to is the 75 Soft program. Truthfully? I’ve restarted every Monday since I said I’d begin. But I’m determined to refine my approach and give myself a real shot at success.

    Let’s Grow Together

    Is there something you’ve been trying to commit to—but keep getting stuck? Let’s keep each other accountable.

    Drop a comment below—I’d love to hear what you’re working on and how we can support each other.

  • QUIET COURAGE

    QUIET COURAGE

    Hi, I am Ekeoma. I almost didn’t write this, not because I didn’t want to, but because fear can make dreams feel insignificant. Yet, here I am at 4 AM, finally typing. I’m not writing as an author but as a person with many thoughts and a heart ready to share.

    I have come to realize that I feel things deeply. I sense the energy in a room before I enter. I prefer listening to speaking. I appreciate silence and enjoy a medium-sized French vanilla iced coffee. I cherish genuine moments with family, good friends, tasty meals, and quiet pauses to catch my breath.

    Writing has always been hard for me, and I avoid it. Recently, journaling has become soothing; it feels good to express what I’ve held inside for so long. This blog isn’t perfect or carefully planned; it’s just me—genuine and intuitive—trying to make bold moves.

    I am starting this blog to build a community. I know I’m not the only one who overthinks and hesitates due to perfection and fear. If you have 100 ideas but don’t act on any- I see you.

    This space is for us- the over-thinkers, slow starters, brave-hearted people who are still figuring it out.

    Cheers to new beginnings or do I say brave self. This blog is imperfect, vulnerable, It’s me-journaling my random thoughts loudly, hoping someone out there whispers “same.”

    The comments are always open for quiet hearts and loud thoughts.

    With quiet courage, from my heart to this page,

    -Ekeoma.